A Passionate Existence

On the Edge of 17 (plus 10)

2010-07-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

One week until I'm officially in my late twenties, until I'm an age that I don't like to admit in public. But why? Is 27 really that bad? Well no, because I don't feel my age, and I certainly don't act it. I guess it's because of the social norms associated with people my age. I can already hear the barrage of questions forming 'when are you going to settle down?, you're not getting any older. You should think about getting married and having babies before it's too late.'. But I can't even see marriage in my near future, never mind children. Yes, before I know it I'll be the big 3-0. Hmm, I guess if I'm not married by then I'm doomed to be a cat lady right? It's not 1950. My mom actually told me that I'm her only hope (for grandchildren and success). Way to pressure me!!!

It doesn't help that all but a handful of my friends are either married or have kids. I honestly do not see the appeal. I enjoy my solitary life, coming and going as I please. Not having to answer to anyone. It's not that I'm irresponsible, I'm just only responsible for me. And I'm the most important person in my life.

I used to walk the well-trod path of the typical twenty-something. I went to college (albeit briefly), I lived with my boyfriend, I even got engaged and planned a wedding! But in the back of my mind day after day I asked myself why I was doing all of this. Was my life going in the direction that I wanted it to or was I just going with the flow, with what was supposed to come next? I'm pretty sure it was leaning towards the later. If you live your life like that are you really living it? (Sidenote: I just typo'd 'loving' instead of 'living'. Freudian slip?) So I decided to take control of my life, and essentially started over.

And thats where I am today, on the edge of 27. Single... and happy. I couldn't imagine my life any other way.

**Love Always**
Jen, the almost 27 year old.

Not your Average Girl

2010-03-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's becoming more and more evident that I do not understand people. I don't understand why people put up with abuse and nonsense for "love". I don't understand why people feel petty things are so terribly important that they will end friendships and relationships over them. Maybe I'm just a go with the flow, zen kind of girl. Maybe I just don't have feelings. Either way, I'm not your typical girl.

If you don't call or text me everyday, it's OK. I do have a life and responsibilities. It doesn't mean that I don't like you, I'm just BUSY. Understand that and we'll get along fine.

If you don't remember our anniversary and don't buy me a gift, it's cool. chances are the only way I remembered (if I did...) is because I'm anal about writing everything down. And I don't want you to buy me a gift because you have to. I much prefer random meaningful gifts.

I try to be compassionate, I really do. But sometimes I'm thinking, why does it matter? There are times when I do actually say it, but I try to let people make their own decisions. And I'm happy with mine.

Love Always,
**Jen**

I Want Everything

2010-03-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

I realize I may be contradicting myself a little bit here, but it's my blog and I can do whatever I want. I realize that it's a little over two months into the new year (and that I also said that I don't make new years resolutions). BUT I'm going to make some life resolutions, I guess you could call them. You could call them a bucket list (I'd prefer not to only because IF by chance I don't fulfill them will I die with regret? I'd rather not know.) And as with anything this list will constantly grow and evolve. I can't really be expected to hold onto the same hopes, dreams and goals for my entire life, can I?

1. Sleep in every state in the U.S. I only have 39 to go!

2. Go on a cruise. And not remember any of it.

3. Take a week (or month) and just drive. No destination required.

4. See as many live concerts as I can. (Or see many different artists live). This is where festivals are great.

5. Get married and divorced in Vegas.

6. Get the proverbial balls to go to a nude beach. And go nude.

7. Meet a rock star. Naked.

8. Own a corvette. Or two. Or three.

9. Try over 100 kinds of beer. Trust me, I'm well on my way.

10... yet to be decided.

I advise you come up with you own list. don't take it so seriously though. Remember what they say "Don't take life so serious, you'll never make it out alive."

**Love always**
Jen

Eat, Drink and be Merry...

2010-03-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Tis the time of year for Catholics to sacrifice something for forty days. Now, don't get me wrong I understand the reasoning and everything, but doesn't that just seem a little well, silly? Depriving yourself of something you love. I think we, as a society, sacrifice entirely too much in order to survive. We sacrifice our dreams in order to put food on the table. We sacrifice our personal happiness for the happiness of others. Don't we deserve to make ourselves happy? Why should we give up more of ourselves in order to have a good afterlife?

I'm from the school of thought that we should never deny ourselves things that make us happy. Life is too damn short to be anything but happy. And yes, there have been times when I have overindulged. But do I regret it? No. Would I have regretted not doing something that made me happy? Absolutely. Now, I'm not religious by any means, I don't live my life a certain way to assure that I get into heaven. I live everyday like it's the last one I'll see because I know all too well that it may be just that. I'm not saying that it's wrong to live a righteous life, I'm just saying that it's not for me. If I die with a smile on my face then it was all worth it. And if I go to hell because of it, so be it.

But back to Lent. I propose we try a reverse lent, if you will. Instead of sacrificing something, we need to do something everyday for forty days. Let's say you lent you gave up sex. Then have sex everyday for forty days. You get the gist?

Love always,
**Jen**

Who Are You?

2010-02-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

I usually premeditate this blog, but I think I'm just going to wing this one. Forgive me if it's all mindless rambling. :-)

I've been thinking alot about going away, moving... just packing up and hitting the road. I get this way just about every winter. Between the cold, the snow, the holidays... pretty much everything that has to do with New England winter irritates me. I also just started watching Lost. When Locke said that everyone on the island gets to start over, I got me thinking. Who would you be if you got a fresh start?

Imagine, you move to a new place where you don't know anyone. Who would you be? Would you continue to be the same person that you've been all of your life? Maybe. But suppose you just wanted to change. Cut and dye your hair. Hell, even change your name. Maybe make up an elaborate story about your past. Maybe the new you would be more outgoing, brazen if you will. Or maybe you'd like to be more conservative, kick he bad habits to the curb.

It seems so easy to be able to change yourself in front of total strangers, why is it so hard to change in front of people you know and care about? Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's just comfortable being who you are. Maybe you're afraid that people might question your change, thus questioning who they are really friends with.

To be honest, I kind of forgot the point of this post. I guess it's just to ask, are you really you?

**Love always**
Jen

Build-A-Man

2010-01-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

First, let me just preface this blog by saying that it has taken me a while to write. It's been on the tip of my brain for quite some time now. But the other night I had a realization. This blog does roughly describe someone.

I've been thinking alot about dating, and finding the right one. Of course, I don't believe in all the hoopla surrounding "the one", but lets just say that I did. I've tried a couple online dating things, and they're pretty much crap. 'Hey you're hot.', 'I'd do you' ... these are the messages I get. Seriously? And these are men that I wouldn't be remotely attracted to in real life. Does the internet give people the right to say whatever they want? I think not.

In today's society, we can customize pretty much everything. How we look (hmm maybe I'll try red hair, violet contacts... how 'bout some plastic surgery?), what we drive (red, SUV, chrome wheels,leather seats), even what we eat (have it your way). Then why is it so hard to find a mate that we're looking for. Shouldn't there be an online dating service that shows you exactly what you want, not just based on some random personality tests? Hence 'Build-A-Man'. You start by loading general data (age range, education, religion). Then it gets more specific. Hair style, eye color, build, activities, music, alcohol, drugs. You can design your perfect mate. You enter all your specified data and it shows you your exact match, and also 'if you liked him, you may like ...'. It should be an international database. You don't even need to sign up. Maybe the government can run it.

Here's mine:

24-30 male, rugged build, outdoorsy (camping, hiking, fishing), non religious but open to ideas, HS diploma, maybe some college, loves music of all types and loves going to live shows, moderate drinker, recreational drug use is ok. Shaggy hair, comfortable and relaxed without being a slacker. And he needs to be creative and very open to new ideas. Willing to try anything at least once. NO baggage. Oh, and his, ahem, package has to be just right ;-)

I remember saying that men should come with ingredient labels. With this you would be able to create your own.

**Love Always**
Jen

P.S. If you find this man, send him my way.

Nothing Changes on New Years Day

2010-01-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

Every year instead of making resolutions for the new year, I reflect back on what I have learned in the past year. Anybody who knows me knows that I've been through a lot in 2009. But I've also learned a lot and couldn't be happier with my life right now.

1. Never compromise who you are to please someone else. If, by trying to make someone else happy, you are miserable, is it really worth it? I'm not saying that you shouldn't compromise at all, just don't go overboard trying to please people.

2. NOTHING is impossible. Earlier this ear I was faced with having to get (and pay for)my own apartment. I went into panic mode about money and time etc. But you know what, all that fretting was for nothing. I currently have an apartment, I'm paying rent and all my other bills, I just bought a car, all without sacrificing things that I want to do.

3. It's OK to be alone. In fact, it's great. I was worried about getting lonely having my own place, but it is awesome. I can walk around naked, have visitors and do whatever I want without bothering anybody. I never have to fight over the remote or the computer. It's all about me :-)

4. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it! I feel like people just go with the flow on too many things without truly feeling them out. For example, a couple is together for a few years, the next step would be marriage right? Maybe not. Maybe they're in their comfort zone and just staying together for convenience. Maybe they are fine the way they are and don't need/want to get married. Just because other people are doing something doesn't necessarily mean it's right for you.

5. I am awesome and can achieve anything I put my mind to. I also can get anything I want. I love me!

Love always,
**Jen**
Smooches to 2010!

The Exception to the Rule

2009-12-26T15:31:00.000-08:00

A few blogs ago I wrote about the natural progression of things. Go to school, get married, have babies. We're tuned to take the given next step in life. Personally, I choose to completely ignore this "intuition". I really can't picture myself married and having children. Not to say that I have NEVER wanted these things. At one point in my life I wanted a dozen kids. Literally. But that was years ago, and I've grown out of it.

I'm going to be that woman at my friends 50th anniversary party whose hitting on my friends grown children. I'll be the old woman with my hair and make up all done up with the dress that shows my cleavage (I'll get lifts by then). The one going out to bars, still trying to get the guys to buy me drinks. And I'm perfectly okay with that.

Who knows, I may eventually want to get married and have kids. But still, I can never imagine myself settling down. I enjoy living my life as if I could just pick up and leave tomorrow. Which in all reality I could.

Why I'm Still Single

2009-12-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

Lately, it's come up several times in casual conversation. 'And this is why I'm still single'. Sure, it may be that I've just never been single before and I'm trying it out. It may just be that I haven't met anyone that will hold my interest enough for me to consider them my boyfriend. I just think it's a summation of quite a few things.

1. I'm pretty sure I'm a college boy in an attractive female body. Dangerous combo. (Not to say I'm a transsexual or anything, just think more like a male as far as... well most things).

2. I collect Corvette matchbox cars and daggers. Both of which are displayed in my house.

3. I go to the gym to work out, and to check out the scenery (if you catch my drift).

4. A nice car or truck (I'm talking American muscle) will make me turn my head just as much as a hot guy. A hot guy driving a nice car... well I might as well have a huge visible erection.

5. A night sitting at home watching Rambo or Full Metal Jacket and drinking beer is a very good night.

6. I will very blatantly tell you if I got laid AND if it was any good. No shame.

7. I'm not a damsel in distress. I DO NOT ask for help. I DO NOT need help. I can do it all by myself.

8. Like above, I do not want to be taken care of. I do not want to be spoiled. I'm an able minded individual thank-you-very-much.

9. A guy needs to be able to hold my interest. This is not done by doing the same thing over and over again (this includes both dates and sex. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.)

10. Guys are just intimidated by my awesomeness. Full of myself? Maybe. Oh well, deal with it.

So if you think you can handle all this, then why not give me a try. Ha, I should post this on plentyoffish.com!

**love always**
Jen

mela ilyamenie

2009-12-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thrown something away to later realize that you miss it? Was this thing a person? If so, then you know that life isn't like a movie. Things don't always happen for a reason and once you give something up you may never get it back. I know this all too well.

I always knew my life wasn't going to be like a movie. It turned out to be more like a soap opera. Girl meets Boy. They fall in love, timing is wrong. Life goes on. Girl meets Boy again, fall in love again. BUT Boy meets other girl. Boy and Girl separate. Girl reluctantly meets other boy. Girl loses Boy forever. Maybe written out it reads like a movie. but there is no happy ending. There is no epiphany when Girl realizes that Boy was never hers in the first place and she just loved the idea of it. Instead it's a romantic tragedy.

Truth is, I had something and I lost it. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough, maybe I just gave up. Either way I can never get it back. But I can learn from it. I can remember that if you love something never, ever let it go because if you do it may never come back.

Dannen le
A ú-erin le regi
Rang ail le iestannen
Lû ail le tegin na hen.
Gwannach o innen ului
Ú lû erui, ului.

**Love always**
Jen

Look at me, oh look at me... Is this the way I'll always be?

2009-12-03T20:41:00.001-08:00

Life is about change. Evolution, as I prefer to call it. You grow, physically, mentally, emotionally, through your personal experiences. You adapt to your surroundings, your situations. Well, most of us do anyway. There are those people who just sit and wait , expect everything to come to them on a silver platter. Perhaps they are afraid of change. Maybe they just really like where they are. Either way these people aren't growing.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Hell, I've even changed since a month ago, I'm sure. And I will continue to change until the day that I die. Will all of this change be positive? Probably not. But the point is, I will continue to evolve as a person. I have been in situations where my growth has been halted. I evolved all right, just not in the right direction. Instead of becoming happy and ... settled, I became bitter and spiteful.

Although I think I am a great place right now, and I can't remember being happier with myself I am still going to evolve. And for better or for worse, I'm not going to be the same person as I am today next month. And neither should you.

When I Grow Up

2009-11-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I never had big dreams for my future. I thought about it, sure, but I never had the epiphany moment of tada! this is what I'm going to be when I grow up. Never had the dream of a big wedding with Mr. Perfect with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. Never wanted to be rich or famous either. I remember someone once asked me what I would do with a million dollars and I said donate most of it. I'd pay off my bills and maybe buy a house and a car or two. But ultimately what do I need it for?

Back to the question at hand. What did I want to be when I grew up? Teacher, poet, songwriter, rockstar, screenwriter, editor, journalist, actress, sex therapist. The list goes on and on. But am I doing any of these things professionally? No. But I'm ok with that.

Think about what you wanted to be. Are you doing it? Are you ok with that? If not then do something about it! You can doooo ittttt! haha

And I lied, I did have a big goal. To be happy :-)

No Use Crying over a Totalled Car (and other mishaps)

2009-10-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. I just haven't had anything worthwhile to write about. Well, that and I've been crazy busy 24/7. But I got into a car accident the other day and it got me thinking. It all started when, after the accident, I returned to work as usual. I was trying to figure out how to get home (out loud, discussing it with a co-worker) when my boss heard and was said 'you what?!?!' All of my co-workers looked at me like I had 3 heads. 'So let me get this straight, you just got into a car accident, your car was towed and you came back here like nothing happened??' Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Is it really so strange not to cry/get upset over such things?? Am I a freak?? (Don't answer that!) Maybe the answer is yes to both questions, but either way I've decided to put together some situations and how to handle them in order to lead a stress free life. :-)

1. Let's take my situation. I hit a brand new Mercedes. My car may be totalled. Should I cry, scream, get upset? No. For one thing, it wasn't my fault. Second, I wanted a new car anyway. And third, what good is crying going to do? It will just ruin my makeup. So then I'll have a wrecked car AND look like crap. No thank you!

2. Your significant other cheated on you. Do you cry? Sure (but don't ruin your make up! You want to look good!) Do you beat he crap out of them? No, you'll just break a nail and/or bruise yourself. And once again, you need to look good and prove to them that you deserve better and can get way better than them.

3. You just lost your job. Look on the bright side: VACATION! You said you needed a day off anyway right? Well now you have a whole bunch. Don't sit there and wallow in self-pity. Do something! Always wanted to go hiking in the mountains? Then go! Clean your house, organize, watch that DVD collection, read all those books in your 'To-Read' pile. Yeah, in between all this look for another job. But don't stress.

You are exactly where you should be a any given moment. And no matter how fast or slow you move, you'll always end up where you are supposed to.

The Numbers Game

2009-10-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

We've all heard it. Multiply the number a girl tells you by 3 and divide the number a guy tells you by 3. Yes, I'm talking about the number of sexual partners you've had. I really don't even know what the average, or norm, is for my age. Does it even matter too much anymore? In case you're starting to worry about your "number" now (do you even know it??) I've come up with a few rules to help ease you mind.

1. If you can't remember it, it doesn't count. Just because you wake up in a bed naked, next to another naked body does not necessarily mean you had sex.

2. If it lasted less than 5 minutes, it doesn't count. Really, can that even be considered sex? (Exception: if it was an amazing quickie, then it definately counts).

3. If it was bad, it doesn't count. And I mean bad, awkward, 'is it in yet?', is it over yet? sex. You know what I'm talking about. Don't even lie.

4. If it was with someone who you would never admit to having sex with, it doesn't count. Well, maybe it counts a little... but definately not for a whole number. It's like a half. So if you sleep with two people you would never admit to. Then it counts, and you may have a problem :-p

5. I was going to say 'If you don't get off, then it doesn't count' but let's face it... there will be alot of ladies that are still virgins! haha

**Love life**
Jen

World Wide WTF

2009-10-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

Subject: sexy

xoxoxoxoxox

This is an email I got on plentyoffish.com. No lie. No hi my name is..., no I noticed your profile and you seem interesting, not even you're pretty. Am I supposed to be wooed by this??? Seriously. And how am I supposed to respond? xoxoxoxo? There really should be a manual for online dating. I'm not saying I'm an expert, but I certainly know enough not to send someone an email saying just 'you're hot'. Is this third grade? Oooh you're cute tee hehe. I'm just going to put my two cents (or maybe it's a whole quarter) in on the subject.

First off, if it's just my pic that you like please do not message me. Yes, I know I'm pretty. I have a profile for a reason. If you don't have anything in common with me based on my profile, then guess what? We have nothing in common!

Second, introduce yourself. A simple 'Hi my name is ...' will suffice. Tell me a little about yourself. But please don't talk about ex wives, ex girlfriend etc. This is really a first impression and if you come right out of the gate talking about ex's, I'm going to think they are still on your mind alot. I have enough baggage of my own, don't need yours too.

Third, if there's something in particular about my profile that you liked, tell me. Start an actual conversation. It's really not too hard.

And lastly, don't just come out and say we should get together. I don't know you from a hole in the wall. I'm not on here for a booty call or just a f*ck buddy. And you shouldn't be either. There are other websites for that.

**Jen**

Now Hiring

2009-10-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

I am now hiring a manservant. This is a part-time position with possibility of advancement.

Duties include, but are not limited to:

housekeeping

preparing meals

massages

Salary:

The pleasure of my company, with possible bonuses.

This position offers flexible hours, a fun relaxed atmosphere and a wonderful boss.

Apply within.

**Jen**

Just a Girl

2009-10-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about gender roles, shall we? Even in today's society certain things are expected of men and women. Men are expected to be the providers and the protectors, women are expected to be the nurturers and care givers. Doesn't this seem like an old fashioned, 1950's type mentality? How far did women's lib really get us? Women are expected to follow a certain time table: go to school, get married, have babies, take care of your husband and children. Oh yeah, maybe throw a career in there if you want to.

What are you supposed to do when you reject your given gender role? A woman in her mid to late twenties is constantly bombarded with questions. 'When are you going to get married?', 'When are you going to have babies?' or even 'When are you going to find a decent man and settle down?'. No questions about careers or aspirations. It's like the world revolves around a woman being a wife and mother. YOU aren't following the norm therefore YOU are breaking the cycle. It's almost as if you're not a functioning member of society. And heaven forbid you say you don't want children, or have no intentions of getting married! You may as well say you're from another planet and have come to earth to dissect human brains. Guaranteed the looks you would receive wouldn't be that different.

So where does a twenty-something year old woman stand in todays society where your every indescresion is judged and labeled. You just have to push harder for what you want and let people say what they want to say. You can't control others opinions of you, you can only change your opinion of yourself. And if you can look in the mirror and be proud of who you are, that's all that matters.

Perfect

2009-09-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that there's a perfect mate for everyone? A soulmate, a perfect match... your dream partner. Someone who embodies every trait that you find desirable. Is that really, truly possible? A very wise man once told me that if you love someone enough, then you make it work. You embrace your differences and evolve.

I don't think there realistically can be soulmates. Think for a second of all the qualities that you look for when dating someone. I know my list is pretty eclectic (includes sword fighting, cars and a vast knowledge of music). Then, let's just say your personalities are completely in sync, and you share that same hobbies, then comes the sexual compatibility. What if you enjoy completely different things when it comes it sex? While yes, you can compromise... can either partner truly be satisfied if they are holding back in order to satisfy their partner? If one likes it rough (I'm talking REALLY rough) and the other shys away from that, how can either be satisfied? Someone can seem perfect (good personality, good looks, similar interests) but you never know what you're going to get when you delve deep into their, ahem, package. It's not like we come with ingredient labels, sometimes what you see is not always what you get.

Maybe I'm jaded. I don't have all the answers. The whole dating world is a big mystery to me.

Welcome to my Existence

2009-09-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

Hi! For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jen. I'm 26 and single for the first time practically ever. It's both liberating and scary. I'm also living alone for the first time ever. I suppose part of growing up IS doing things on your own, embarking on your own adventure, if you will.

I deliberated long and hard about this blog (no pun intended...). First off was the title. I wanted something with meaning, but also something that grabs the reader. This blog will mostly be about passion, sex and love... but I'm sure I'll go off topic. I toyed around with 'Confessions of a Sexaholic' (hmm... not really, just enjoy talking about it), 'A Lover's Tale' (too much like a romance novel), 'Face Down, Ass Up' (I need to stop listening to 2 Live Crew). I decided on 'A Passionate Existence' because really, what is life without passion? Whether it be sexual passion, the passion of pure love, a passionate hobby or career, or just something that you hold a special interest in. Let's face it: life can get pretty mundane at times. But you use your own passion to makes things more enjoyable.

With this in mind, I'd like you to think about what you're passion is. I love helping others feel comfortable in their own skin, with their bodies and with their lovers. I love happiness, and when I can help others around me be happy. And yes, I love passion... the physical, emotional and mental.

**Love Life**

Jen

p.s. Anything written in this blog is purely opinion, and should be taken as such.