Who Are You?

I usually premeditate this blog, but I think I'm just going to wing this one. Forgive me if it's all mindless rambling. :-)

I've been thinking alot about going away, moving... just packing up and hitting the road. I get this way just about every winter. Between the cold, the snow, the holidays... pretty much everything that has to do with New England winter irritates me. I also just started watching Lost. When Locke said that everyone on the island gets to start over, I got me thinking. Who would you be if you got a fresh start?

Imagine, you move to a new place where you don't know anyone. Who would you be? Would you continue to be the same person that you've been all of your life? Maybe. But suppose you just wanted to change. Cut and dye your hair. Hell, even change your name. Maybe make up an elaborate story about your past. Maybe the new you would be more outgoing, brazen if you will. Or maybe you'd like to be more conservative, kick he bad habits to the curb.

It seems so easy to be able to change yourself in front of total strangers, why is it so hard to change in front of people you know and care about? Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's just comfortable being who you are. Maybe you're afraid that people might question your change, thus questioning who they are really friends with.

To be honest, I kind of forgot the point of this post. I guess it's just to ask, are you really you?

**Love always**
Jen

Build-A-Man

First, let me just preface this blog by saying that it has taken me a while to write. It's been on the tip of my brain for quite some time now. But the other night I had a realization. This blog does roughly describe someone.

I've been thinking alot about dating, and finding the right one. Of course, I don't believe in all the hoopla surrounding "the one", but lets just say that I did. I've tried a couple online dating things, and they're pretty much crap. 'Hey you're hot.', 'I'd do you' ... these are the messages I get. Seriously? And these are men that I wouldn't be remotely attracted to in real life. Does the internet give people the right to say whatever they want? I think not.

In today's society, we can customize pretty much everything. How we look (hmm maybe I'll try red hair, violet contacts... how 'bout some plastic surgery?), what we drive (red, SUV, chrome wheels,leather seats), even what we eat (have it your way). Then why is it so hard to find a mate that we're looking for. Shouldn't there be an online dating service that shows you exactly what you want, not just based on some random personality tests? Hence 'Build-A-Man'. You start by loading general data (age range, education, religion). Then it gets more specific. Hair style, eye color, build, activities, music, alcohol, drugs. You can design your perfect mate. You enter all your specified data and it shows you your exact match, and also 'if you liked him, you may like ...'. It should be an international database. You don't even need to sign up. Maybe the government can run it.

Here's mine:

24-30 male, rugged build, outdoorsy (camping, hiking, fishing), non religious but open to ideas, HS diploma, maybe some college, loves music of all types and loves going to live shows, moderate drinker, recreational drug use is ok. Shaggy hair, comfortable and relaxed without being a slacker. And he needs to be creative and very open to new ideas. Willing to try anything at least once. NO baggage. Oh, and his, ahem, package has to be just right ;-)

I remember saying that men should come with ingredient labels. With this you would be able to create your own.

**Love Always**
Jen

P.S. If you find this man, send him my way.

Nothing Changes on New Years Day

Every year instead of making resolutions for the new year, I reflect back on what I have learned in the past year. Anybody who knows me knows that I've been through a lot in 2009. But I've also learned a lot and couldn't be happier with my life right now.

1. Never compromise who you are to please someone else. If, by trying to make someone else happy, you are miserable, is it really worth it? I'm not saying that you shouldn't compromise at all, just don't go overboard trying to please people.

2. NOTHING is impossible. Earlier this ear I was faced with having to get (and pay for)my own apartment. I went into panic mode about money and time etc. But you know what, all that fretting was for nothing. I currently have an apartment, I'm paying rent and all my other bills, I just bought a car, all without sacrificing things that I want to do.

3. It's OK to be alone. In fact, it's great. I was worried about getting lonely having my own place, but it is awesome. I can walk around naked, have visitors and do whatever I want without bothering anybody. I never have to fight over the remote or the computer. It's all about me :-)

4. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it! I feel like people just go with the flow on too many things without truly feeling them out. For example, a couple is together for a few years, the next step would be marriage right? Maybe not. Maybe they're in their comfort zone and just staying together for convenience. Maybe they are fine the way they are and don't need/want to get married. Just because other people are doing something doesn't necessarily mean it's right for you.

5. I am awesome and can achieve anything I put my mind to. I also can get anything I want. I love me!

Love always,
**Jen**
Smooches to 2010!

The Exception to the Rule

A few blogs ago I wrote about the natural progression of things. Go to school, get married, have babies. We're tuned to take the given next step in life. Personally, I choose to completely ignore this "intuition". I really can't picture myself married and having children. Not to say that I have NEVER wanted these things. At one point in my life I wanted a dozen kids. Literally. But that was years ago, and I've grown out of it.

I'm going to be that woman at my friends 50th anniversary party whose hitting on my friends grown children. I'll be the old woman with my hair and make up all done up with the dress that shows my cleavage (I'll get lifts by then). The one going out to bars, still trying to get the guys to buy me drinks. And I'm perfectly okay with that.

Who knows, I may eventually want to get married and have kids. But still, I can never imagine myself settling down. I enjoy living my life as if I could just pick up and leave tomorrow. Which in all reality I could.

Why I'm Still Single

Lately, it's come up several times in casual conversation. 'And this is why I'm still single'. Sure, it may be that I've just never been single before and I'm trying it out. It may just be that I haven't met anyone that will hold my interest enough for me to consider them my boyfriend. I just think it's a summation of quite a few things.

1. I'm pretty sure I'm a college boy in an attractive female body. Dangerous combo. (Not to say I'm a transsexual or anything, just think more like a male as far as... well most things).

2. I collect Corvette matchbox cars and daggers. Both of which are displayed in my house.

3. I go to the gym to work out, and to check out the scenery (if you catch my drift).

4. A nice car or truck (I'm talking American muscle) will make me turn my head just as much as a hot guy. A hot guy driving a nice car... well I might as well have a huge visible erection.

5. A night sitting at home watching Rambo or Full Metal Jacket and drinking beer is a very good night.

6. I will very blatantly tell you if I got laid AND if it was any good. No shame.

7. I'm not a damsel in distress. I DO NOT ask for help. I DO NOT need help. I can do it all by myself.

8. Like above, I do not want to be taken care of. I do not want to be spoiled. I'm an able minded individual thank-you-very-much.

9. A guy needs to be able to hold my interest. This is not done by doing the same thing over and over again (this includes both dates and sex. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.)

10. Guys are just intimidated by my awesomeness. Full of myself? Maybe. Oh well, deal with it.

So if you think you can handle all this, then why not give me a try. Ha, I should post this on plentyoffish.com!

**love always**
Jen

mela ilyamenie

Have you ever thrown something away to later realize that you miss it? Was this thing a person? If so, then you know that life isn't like a movie. Things don't always happen for a reason and once you give something up you may never get it back. I know this all too well.

I always knew my life wasn't going to be like a movie. It turned out to be more like a soap opera. Girl meets Boy. They fall in love, timing is wrong. Life goes on. Girl meets Boy again, fall in love again. BUT Boy meets other girl. Boy and Girl separate. Girl reluctantly meets other boy. Girl loses Boy forever. Maybe written out it reads like a movie. but there is no happy ending. There is no epiphany when Girl realizes that Boy was never hers in the first place and she just loved the idea of it. Instead it's a romantic tragedy.

Truth is, I had something and I lost it. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough, maybe I just gave up. Either way I can never get it back. But I can learn from it. I can remember that if you love something never, ever let it go because if you do it may never come back.

Dannen le
A ú-erin le regi
Rang ail le iestannen
Lû ail le tegin na hen.
Gwannach o innen ului
Ú lû erui, ului.

**Love always**
Jen

Look at me, oh look at me... Is this the way I'll always be?

Life is about change. Evolution, as I prefer to call it. You grow, physically, mentally, emotionally, through your personal experiences. You adapt to your surroundings, your situations. Well, most of us do anyway. There are those people who just sit and wait , expect everything to come to them on a silver platter. Perhaps they are afraid of change. Maybe they just really like where they are. Either way these people aren't growing.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Hell, I've even changed since a month ago, I'm sure. And I will continue to change until the day that I die. Will all of this change be positive? Probably not. But the point is, I will continue to evolve as a person. I have been in situations where my growth has been halted. I evolved all right, just not in the right direction. Instead of becoming happy and ... settled, I became bitter and spiteful.

Although I think I am a great place right now, and I can't remember being happier with myself I am still going to evolve. And for better or for worse, I'm not going to be the same person as I am today next month. And neither should you.